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Use To You..

I was kind of getting so use to you….

Finally use to a medium in my life.

Use to some kind of common ground.

Use to your words

Use to your voice

Use to your touch

Use to your love

And with on simple lie you took all of that away from me.

Who knew once you have been lied to, and hurt so bad your outlook on someone can instantly change.

But tell me why I have lost all respect, honor, and love for you. But I still crave you. I still crave to talk to you everyday.

I still want you. I still want to be around you. Its like a magnetic connection that’s drawing me to you.

Is it possible to love someone so much you hate them at the same time?

Which one out weights the other? Do you over look everything they have done to you because love can conquer all?

Can a simple four letter word really conquer all and fix everything?

I guess you just have to really believe in love that much for it to conquer all and fix everything.

I’ve lost all of mine. I once believed that I had found my one. I believed that I loved him with all my heart.

But sadly I guess not. And now I am just wondering is there really even a such thing as ” the one” ” my forever” ” my everything” “my always” Sadly… I just don’t know anymore.

But the one thing I can pray for… is when my one and only finally does show up, he is patience with this broken shattered girl who he thinks he loves. I pray for strength to get me past all of this. I pray for healing.

But most importantly I pray for my enemies. I pray for my past. I pray that they find happiness. Everyone deserves happiness. Its what makes the world go round. The evil makes it stop spinning.

I was kind of getting use to you…. but I guess things change.

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I Once Thought…

I once thought that I needed to marry a man who was a writer, maybe just maybe if I married a writer I could forever have someone who would say and do all the right things. Since I loved words so much. I absolutely love the way certain words can make me feel. And when it comes from someone your wanting to say them they mean even more. They can light fires inside of you that you never knew you had. When a man can tell you all the right things, or tell you all those right words you wanna hear so bad from the man you love. Because lets not lie, men aren’t the best at expressing their feelings. **Insert eye roll here**

I once thought that I needed to marry a doctor because if for some reason I actually decided to leave the house for some reason. lol And I got hurt or someone hurt me. I would have me a doctor at my finger tips any time I needed him. Or when I was feeling bad he could tell me what was wrong.

I once thought that I needed to marry a police man. Because then I wouldn’t have to cry, or talk my way out of a ticket. Right!! lol Come on now.. we have all thought it. My hubby can just pay them or clear them for me. With out me ever having to deal with the consequences. And knowing that I if I was ever in trouble he could come and bail me out. lol

I once thought that I need to marry a photographer. Because maybe just then I’d be able to finally look at my self in photos. He could take certain angles that would make me look better then I do in person. This is basically because I never loved my body. I never loved the way I looked in photos. Shoot I can’t even look in mirrors really because I don’t like the person I’m looking at. So a photographer could take the photos and then edit them to make me look better then I actually look.

I once thought that I needed to marry certain men in order to make my own person feel better or do better. Funny how that all works huh? I no longer think I need a certain profession in order to marry that man. I found.. well I thought I found…. my one and only. And he was none of those things. He was perfect just the way he is, he doesn’t have all the right words to make me feel better, he does have a big fancy camera to make me look better.

I and I repeat only I can do that. Only I can make myself love myself, only I can bail my self out of trouble when I act up and get in trouble. And hospitals are all over the place if I ever get hurt. And finding the right man to say all the right words well, for some you get lucky others you don’t need that. And that’s A okay too. He expresses his feelings in all kinds of ways you just need to be watching and paying attention.

The lesson to learn out of all of this. Is to learn to love your self. Love for you first, then go and find someone to love you just as much as you love you! And don’t marry a man for his money, title, or the way he fucks you. Marry a man for the way he treats you. Because sex last only a few moments, the way a man treats you last forever. Don’t allow that toxic into your life, when you finally wake up a realize after all those years that you married him for all the wrong reasons you will come up from all that toxic and realize just how damaged you are after all those years. Don’t allow no person or man to damage you, only you.

Live for your self. Love your self. Take those photos #nofilter lol And just be happy. That’s all that matters.

Till next time!

Love ~ Kendra ~

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Bottling…..

Hi Everyone,

How’s everyone doing? Its been a while.. I know, my bad. I’m sorry. I’m here once again, because life isn’t going right once again and the only way I ever feel content or happy is when I’m writing.. so here goes. If your around reading my blog post and keeping up with everything bravo! Thank you to my handful of fans and followers. Just another day in the life of little ole Kendra.

So once again I’m the bad guy because my anxiety got butt hurt and needed to hurt someone else in the process in order to feel better. But when the other person doesn’t handle it very well.. my depression takes over and makes me feel all guilty and sad for upsetting this other person. And then my anxiety is like whatever they will get over it. And my depression is like u should feel guilty that was rude. There was no need in that. You will be okay just keep everything all bottled up and never tell a soul what’s going on with you. And then you won’t ever hurt anyone with your words. Because hurting another with my words is the last thing I wanna do is ever hurt anyone, I want to inspire and make others want to get up everyday and be happy and live. Live life to the fullest. But sadly some days my anxiety and depression get the better of me and I just need a friend to talk to. And sadly since I only have one, when I upset him I am then once again alone. I’ve tired so hard to convince my self that alone is better. When I’m alone I don’t have to hurt anyone. I don’t have to hurt anyone with my words. But I’ve learned over the last couple of months that keeping everything bottled up isn’t good. It will eventually come all out on someone that you never meant to hurt. But when we don’t have anyone to talk to and express ourselves with then this is when shit gets bottled up and buried till you just can’t take it any more and you have to just pop the top off that bottle and let it breathe. I told this friend one day…. I said….

Don’t you know silly you place the lid on that bottle sideways so it has room to breathe… and your emotions can slowly slip out thru out time. Instead of popping the lid off and letting it all escape all at once. See because we as humans don’t seem to deal with shit the right way now days. And instead of expressing ourselves for fear of hurting others, scared of lack of care, or whatever reason… We just don’t speak or tell anyone. And this is what causes anger issues, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, and so much more. Because we as humans don’t know how to express ourselves in the right ways. And this isn’t okay, we all need to learn how to express ourselves and then how to deal with shit and let it go. You can express your self all day long and say you have, let it go, or you have forgave. But have you really? Have you really let go, forgave, or dealt with your issues?

When that spouse cheats, or your fiancé, or boyfriend cheats.. and you say you forgave him and stay with him. Did you really forgive him? Do you still ask him where he is at all the time? Make him check in with you 24/7? Are you always wondering where he is at, or wondering if he is sleeping with someone else in the back of your mind? All of these thoughts are no good and are all signs that you never forgave him, and the fact is your trust with him or her was broken and sadly there is no replacing or fixing it. Unless you truly want to fix it. And not just you but you and him or you and her. It always takes two to tango, so it takes two to fix broken relationships.

Anyways…

So I’m here to tell you all that each and everyone one of you need to try to dig deep and learn how to deal with your problems, emotions, stress, worries, self doubt, all of it. Find a easy and simple solution to dealing with your every day task. At first its not going to be that easy, its going to be really hard trying to sort several years of work that’s been done to you. But once you have finally sorted it all and found a way to deal with it all. And you have finally gotten all your book realigned and back in their proper places or all your tools back in order in their tool box. Then and only then will they be easier to pick up when they want to pop out of place again. And trust me they will. They will keep popping up or out of place when you least expect it. And that’s okay! You know why? Because you had finally sorted and organized all your books or tools.. and so now when they want to pop out of place.. you can easily pick it back up and pop it back in to its slot It goes into. Simple and easy. It will make for dealing with every day life a lot easier on you.

I’m giving you all of this advice for all of those of you out there who are alone. Who may not have all the friends in the world. Or maybe you do but they don’t really have your best interest at hand, or you back. Therefore this is for you, to grow and learn that no one will ever have your best interest or back other then your self. ( And god.) When you do something that makes your self proud pat your self on the back, and be proud of your self. Stop waiting for someone else to tell you that they are proud of you. I stopped waiting for that along time ago. I stopped looking for others acceptance to feel like I was part of the in crowd. I finally accepted my self and loved my self..

BTW: **WINK WINK** here is the link to my other new blog: Love your self: http://www.kendrasuniquebowtique.com/Shop/love-your-self/

Check it out! you won’t want to miss it! Read all about how I learned how to grow and love my self.

That’s all for this one. Remember we all have something we are going thru. You never lock eyes with someone who doesn’t matter to someone somewhere. Yes that means even you too mean something! Don’t ever think you don’t. I use to believe that.. Just don’t do it.

Love always …….. Kendra!!

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Love Your Self!

Thru this very long self finding journey, I’ve learned a lot about my self. And I’m here to share with you all what I’ve learned. So this way maybe one day you don’t have to say if I would have known this when I was younger I wouldn’t be here now. And then your 30 and trying to find your self.

Not everyone has a great childhood, or a loveable childhood. Not everyone was ever taught to love their selves. They were always taught to live for someone else and then they will take care of you. I’m here to tell you straight up this isn’t true and this is the wrong road to go down. Please whatever you do don’t go down that road. Go down the self love road.

Learn how to love your self before you get into relationships and try to love someone else. When and only when you have learned to love your self and only then you can try to learn how to love someone else. But finding someone out there who has learned how to love there selves like you did. If you get with someone who hasn’t learned how to love there selves it will be a never ending circle of fights and arguments that aren’t needed. Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! And don’t ever think that or allow someone else to tell you that. If you believe for even a second that it is you, then have your truly found your self?

What do I mean when I say love your self? How on earth am I suppose to love my self? Isn’t someone suppose to do that for me so I can love them back… and then we can just love each other and make each other better?? NO! When I say love your self I mean it. You need to learn how to love you, love the way you look, love your personality, love every little flaw, love every little quirk you have, love the way you do things, love everything about your self. Because you were made to be unique in your own way. And if you can’t find someone to love you for all those little flaws or quirks… then he isn’t the right one for you. But…… he makes me happy, we get along so well, he is my one and only, he loves me. But does he? Do you fight more then you smile and get along? But fighting is showing you care. Yes and No…. Yes if its for the right things. If your fighting for all the wrong things, the little things, fighting over stupid shit then what’s the point? I mean really who wants to constantly be fucking fighting all the time, and fighting over little shit is even worse, it gets old and boring.

I once told someone who I know very well, but I have never met her or introduced my self, but yes I know a lot about her, yes thru the grapevine a very close vine. Anyways I told this friend to tell his friend that the only way she was ever going to grow up and move on from him was to live for her self and love her self. When we spend all our time worrying about one person or everyone else but your self or doing things because he or she likes this or that. Your not really living for your self now are you. Your getting your nails done a certain way because he likes it. Or your wearing those yellow dresses because he likes it. Or your wearing a certain perfume because he likes it on you. Or your hair cut hasn’t changed in years because he told you one time that he likes your hair like that. So you wear it just like that forever because he told you he liked it. WTF is this!!! NO ladies! Just no! You go and get your nails, hair, make up, and dress whatever way you want because you like it and it makes you happy. And the RIGHT man will love you one day for the things that you love. And then you never have to change a damn thing because he loves you just the way you are for you because you learned how to love your self before ever wanting to love someone else.

This next part is a little rated R… Fair warning!

I tell you to learn how to love your self in more then just appearance. You need to learn how to PLEASE your self. Yes I just said it. You need to learn how to PLEASE your self, meaning you need to learn how to make your own body quiver and shake and learn all the right spots to hit and FUCKING love it. When and only when you know how to please your self you can then show or tell your man one day how to please you so your love life is mind blowing. If you only ever know how to be pleased according to how men have pleased you its not going to work. What happens one day when your single and you have no man.. These one night stands can’t keep you entertained. So go out and buy that toy and take it home ( or yes buy it online) and then place it in all kinds of positions and try it all out. Start out soft and slow and built up to rougher. Learn and experience it all, learn your body and teach your self what it is you love and stop allowing a man or another woman to tell you what it is your like. Or what it is you “think” you like. Stop doing that. Maybe you have been “doing the deed” and your just not pleased… or maybe that one person who did please you the right way…. is a ex or you just can’t go back to him. But for some reason you still go to him for sex because he was the only one who could please you. Well this is where my learn how to please your self comes in. If you knew how to please your self you wouldn’t be putting your heart thru all that hurt every time you go and see him. Stop doing that. Go home and please your self. Learn how to touch and hit all those right spots by your self. And DO NOT allow your mind to slip to him. DO NOT allow your mind to think about those guys you have been with or all those times you were with someone who made you “feel good”. Just don’t, because you and only you can love your self. This is why I am saying to love your self and learn to please your self. So when your alone or your mans not around you can please your self. You can be OKAY being alone. You can be OKAY being with just your self.

Okay, R rated is over lol!

I tell you all of this from my own personal experience, so don’t forget that. I just like some have probably been thru a lot, and I’m just one who is writing it all down. For someone somewhere out there to learn and gain experience. Self love is not over rated and its not lonely. Its the best way to learn how to love someone else. Its the way to best know what you want out of life and our of your relationships. Yes you might stay single a little longer trying to find the right one. But its all worth the wait so a few years down the road your not in court getting a divorce because he just didn’t listen to you, or your tired of all the fighting, tired of all the lonely nights, tired of all the quite dinners.

So I’m just here to tell you all about self love and what it has done for me. I have no way shape or form learned everything, because every day is a learning experience. If you go each day with out learning some thing new. Then you either not telling your story enough. Or your not speaking to the right people. Use each day as a new ticket to life and live each day to the fullest. This I know is easier said then done. I know I live it everyday with anxiety and depression. So yes its harder for those like us. But that’s okay because yes we deserve love to. And if we can’t find anyone else to love us. At least we learned how to love ourselves right?? YES!! You can shout it from the roof tops and scream YES!!!!! I love my self, I love everything about me. It builds all kinds of confidence, and it most importantly builds a deep understanding and love for your self.

I know some of us were never taught to live for your self. Some of us were never loved. And others had to much love to give. That you just go around loving everyone and they just don’t love you back. Stop wasting that love on people who don’t give a rats ass about you. All that love you have can be better used on someone who will appreciate it. Do you know what I would do if someone loved me as much as I love. I love so fucking hard that it hurts when I don’t get what I give back……. That I have had to learn how to just stop loving so hard and fast. Because no not everyone is going to love like you do. So protect that love, protect your heart. And don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for being less loveable. Your protecting that heart of gold of yours and that’s A OKAY to be doing!

Just remember this! Live each day for your self. DO NOT live for any man or woman. If you wake up every day for someone else other then your self…. Your doing life all wrong. I learned this the hard way.. Oh god did I… yep I had a lot of sad and depressing days because he didn’t text me right away, didn’t tell me good morning, or his good morning text didn’t have baby at the end of it, or he took to long to text back, or his words spoke more then his actions. Yeah….. I understand sis… I understand more then you know. We look crazy and stupid but all it takes is a little effort from him. To show us he cares right?? You would think he would just WANT to do all of this to make you happy right??? No, sis… don’t do that to your self.. Don’t ever expect a man to just want to do this shit for you. Its not going to happen unless you have the right man. They are out there far and few but they are there. At least that’s what I’m told.. who knows. lol

Soooooooo remember this for me….

Love your self. Do things for your self. Live for your self. Learn how to please your self. Learn how to love your body. ( this one I’m still slowly working on my self… ) Don’t worry its pretty hard I understand. Love your self before going and loving someone else. Remember you are enough, and you are a FUCKING Queen you hear me!

That’s all for now….. MWAH!!!!! I love ya’ll!!!!

Love Kendra!

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My Fur Baby!

So I’ve tired thinking of several different ways to start this, and sadly I have no good way to start this or even say this. I’ve started this several times in my head and nothing ever really sounded good enough for a beginning. Nothing seemed worthy enough. Just like this one isn’t worthy enough. I’ve poured a lot of tears and heart ache into writing this story. I don’t mean to make anyone cry, I just needed to get my pain out some how and writing has always been the way I do it. Here goes, I’m sure a lot will be able to relate to me in one way or another.

What do you do when you have lost something or someone so close to you that your entire world evolved around and then in the blink of an eye they are just gone. Just like that, one min they were there and the next you blink and they are gone. There happy smile, hot breath on your hands as you pet them, the jumping around to tell you he has to pee, the little desperate barks because he wants back in, those happy excited faces when u just get back from town or work, all of it. The little things you might take for granted I remember and I miss so fucking much. My emotions are all over the place, and sadly I haven’t really dealt with them.i know he is gone, I now I’m never going to see him gain, it’s not like the stupid movie where they die and come back as a different dog and come to find you. That’s why it’s called a movie.

So I recently lost my fur baby. Yes he was old, yes we can’t keep them forever I understand that, it’s just like a human (yes we get them for a little longer) but still it doesn’t make the hurt any easier on you. He was my old man, my Pom, my life, my world, and my everything. I had just recently lost my grandpa last year to kidney failure. And then going and losing my baby the same way. It hurts, it hurts so much. He got sickly and started to lose weight so I took him to the vet…. sadly the vet didn’t know what was wrong with him, so next step was blood work. When he got the results back my world slowly come crashing around me. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and everything went dark. He told me he had kidney failure and I’ll never forget the look on his face. The face a doctor would give to someone whose loved one just died, and now they have to be the one to tell them. While they stand there and watch u fall apart and scream and cry. Saying sorry like that fucking 5 letter word is going to fix the problem or bring back your loved one. Yeah well doc news flash… it doesn’t help and no one in that moment wants to hear that your fucking sorry that my dog is dying or my loved one is dead. I told my self I wasn’t going to cry, I was going to be strong. I e always been told to never allow anyone to see you cry. Never allow anyone to see that you have been hurt. But his stupid look of sympathy tore me apart. He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know my dog, just another customer who needed answers. And boy did I get them. Yes I cried in front of him for 2 seconds I cleaned up and finished up got back in the car and I screamed I hit the steering wheel, I begged god for a different answer. I screamed why over and over and over. I screamed and cried in that parking lot in that car till I just couldn’t take it anymore, till I lost my voice and I broke, I just broke…..

So I went home… and yes sadly I cried off and on the rest of the evening and all night. I had about three weeks left with him till he passed away. My baby died May 30th, 2019 around 7 am when I found him. Those three weeks….. yes I got to have that extra time with him, but I saw the exact same things that happened to my grandpa happen to him. I had to relive all those moments over and over and I. Opulent hello him, I could do absolutely nothing for him. About 3 days before he past he wasn’t getting any better, he had officially stopped eating and barely moving. I broke down so bad I was shaking so hard I didn’t think it was going to stop. I sat down in the floor with him, picked him up slowly and carefully. And held him as close as I could. I once again cried, screamed, begged, and looked at my poor baby I was saying my good byes because deep down I knew it was coming. I had been in denial for long enough thinking, hoping, praying, he would get better and start jumping around again. So I sat there for what felt like forever. I guess till inevitably got up. But the crying never stopped. I had to whole my self bc I had no one to hold me for me. So I held my self as I shook and cried and died inside. My anxiety had been so high and stressed out, oh and let’s not even talk about the depression that had set in. Those 3 weeks the day I went to the vet actually. So a few days later when I found him. Since I thought I said my goodbyes already I figured it wouldn’t hurt as much because I said goodbye I knew he was going to just go to sleep one night and not wake up. But I tell ya finding him actually not breathing that morning it just set everything I was prepping for into motion… I didn’t scream like I had been doing. But I cried… and my world got dark once again. Wondering around in a dark dark hole I could t seem to find any windows or doors to get out. I usually feel like this a lot but this time it was so worse.. usually I have a dark gloomy window I can look out of….. it this time absolutely nothing. I sit in the middle of this room rolled up in the smallest ball I can get into and I cry… dying ever so slowly inside. I have people around me telling me they are here for me. They understand. And yeah they might understand but I’m the moment you don’t want anyone help, you don’t want anyone’s fucking sympathy. You honestly just want to sit in your dark ass room in your ball and cry.

And well here we are three days later and I’m finally getting around to actually being able to at least finally write all this with out falling totally apart and crying my self to sleep again. I told my self that I needed to finally write and get it all out so that I can start healing and feeling better.

I tell ya the hardest part after that day was just coming in the door and realizing he wasn’t waiting to greet me anymore. Or coming into my room and not seeing his beds or dog bowl, or seeing him sleeping in his bed. I know it’s only been like a few days since I lost him, but does it ever get any easier? I still miss my grandpa to this day. Does it ever truly heal? Will this hurt and ache ever go away? Will I ever stop calling his name in my head. Will I ever stop looking for him. Thinking I have to let him out to pee before I do. Or I have to feed him before I feed my self. I still caught my self doing all these little things in my head and I can’t get it to stop. So when does it stop, when does it heal? When will it fucking get any easier?

And then when you lose a fur baby how do you bring your self to getting another one? Knowing that your just going to lose them again in 10-20 years. Yeah that seems like a long way a way… but it will come. Time now days just seem to be flying by. It feels like I’m sitting on a mary-go-round stuck and can’t get off of it or get it to stop spinning long enough for you to caught your breath. And if I’m not constantly spinning I’m in the black dark room in my ball screaming to be let out.

Sadly as much as this sucks to say… I feel like he gave me a purpose he gave me a reason to live a reason to get off the Mary-go-round. Or a reason to get out of that dark room. I haven’t ever really had people to do that for. So with out him what’s the point right? What’s my purpose now? What is the point in this life if all it’s going to do is hurt you over and over. You lose people. People come in and out of your life to hurt you so you can grow from it. It’s all bullshit.

And yes I understand there are all kinds of stages of grief. And I probably sound like I’m in the angry one. Well then I guess Ive been in the angry one for over a month now.. when does it stop? When does it go away? And when it goes away does the depression set in? What’s after the anger. And why am I angry? There are just so many questions and this is why I write because sadly I have absolutely no one else to go to with all of this. You start to realize just how lonely you are in life when u have no one to turn too. How did you become this lonely? When did your life get like this? When was it your life turned to shit and never got any better…sadly for me it’s been like this all of my life.

Anyways for all of those fur mommas and fur parents out there.. it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to be angry. It’s OKAY to NOT be OKAY. Do you hear me… it’s okay not to be okay. Don’t u ever allow anyone to tell you otherwise.. it’s just not okay to stay like that. Don’t stay in the angry phase it will wear you out quick. Very very quick. And to be honest.. I’m already wore out. I’m just ready to be okay again. Not happy or content…. I’ll settle for just okay at this point.

Love always

~Kendra~

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A Story for you…

A Grieving Man with PTSD fell into a hole and couldn’t get out. He had several visitors thru out the time he was in that hole.

Visitor number one was a Psychologist came by and heard his cries for help out of this hole. He asked ” Tell me a little about your self, it will show me where we need to start and how I can help you best.” “How did you get in there?” “Tell me about your childhood, so I can blame the reason your in that hole on that.” So this man talked to this psychologist for over a hour, but then the psychologist had to leave, but said if the man was still in the hole next week he would be back. This grieving man thanked him, but sadly he was still in that hole all alone.

Visitor number two was a Psychiatrist. The grieving man cried out “Help me” So this Psychiatrist gave the grieving man pills to help relieve the pain while he was in the hole. Told him that if he kept taking these pills it would help him to be able to dig his self out of this hole. What this doctor didn’t tell this man was he was only really going to be digging his hole deeper and deeper getting his self stuck even more.

Visitor number three was a family member. The Grieving man cried out ” Please help me, I feel like I’m dying here and I can’t get my self out of this hole I fell into.” The family member told this grieving man to suck it up, and build your self a ladder.” They then thru the grieving man everything he needed to build a ladder. But what they didn’t give him was the will to build this ladder. No motivation to actually want to build the ladder to get his self out.

Visitor number four was someone special. This was person was a total stranger but a kind stranger. A stranger who understood what the grieving man was going thru. So this person jumped into the hole with this grieving man and talked the man thru and helped him build that ladder to get them both out of the hole.

The moral of this story is PLEASE DON’T be afraid to ask for help. No not everyone will be able to understand or help you the way you need help. But don’t be afraid to find that someone who knows what your going thru and will take the time to help you build your ladder. The person who will help you out of that hole you have fallen into, and have no motivation to get your self out of. Find someone who will heal all your broken parts and make you feel whole again. Believe me there is someone out there like that for you! Someone who will understand or care enough to understand you. And help you out the right way!

Wanna know what the difference is between someone who has PTSD and someone who doesn’t? The person who doesn’t have it thinks that the one with PTSD can just control it, change there mind set, or get up and walk around and distract your mind. Yes this might work for some, but for most this isn’t how this works. No I wouldn’t compare anything to PTSD because as I have recently learned its nothing that any human being should have to go thru. But we have those strong selfless men and women out there who service our country for us to have freedom and for some they are left with all this to deal with. It takes a lot of understanding and caring to help these people thru this. And I have slowly but surely come to learn this. Being able to help someone thru their attacks means more to me then he will ever know. I can relate in a way, no not fully, but in a way. I my self have anxiety so when it go haywire and wants to start its shit. I want nothing else but to get in the darkest hole and hide away from the world. I just want all of the thinking and overthinking to stop. And any little thing will trigger it and set it off and there goes my day. Sometimes it takes minutes and other times it takes hours for me to fully get over the attack. I’ve had to handle them all by my self for years now. That when you actually have someone come along who knows what your going thru in a way, its hard to let them help you get thru those attacks. Because what if they can’t help you, what if they make it worse, what if you hurt them while your in a attack, what if, what if. Lots of what ifs all the time. Don’t worry about the what ifs. Let them help you if they are willing to learn you and learn how to help you, let them help you as best as they can. Teach them, show them what to do, and what not to do. And then allow them to help you in their own way. But you have to be willing to let them help you. You are never alone in this world. I’m living proof that your not alone, I live with depression and anxiety. And my best friend has depression, anxiety, and PTSD. And his child hood wasn’t any better. But you know what? He has let me help him thru all of that and in my own opinion I don’t think I’m really doing anything. But he will tell you other wise. And as long as he is doing better and being able to get thru his days, then I’ll keep right on doing what I need to, to help him get thru his days. You just have to be willing to let that special someone help you thru it all. Just remember your not alone, don’t ever give up!

Sincerely Your ~Kendra~

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My Person!

So as most of you who watch Grey’s Anatomy have seen the scene where grey tells Christina that she is her person. And no matter where she goes or is at she will always be her person? Well when that first came out it blew up big time as most anything does if people like something. But at the time I didn’t have anyone to call my person. Someone that I truly could leave my whole life in their hands and believe that everything would be okay. My whole life has been very hard for me. I was bullied, I was teased, and I wasn’t that popular kid. So leaving high school, I left with two friends, and as the years went by. Now ten years later I no longer have any friends. None, zip, zero. Absolutely no friends I would trust my life with, let alone any that I can talk to. I have no one I can talk close like that to talk to every day and just be able to cry to, tell them about my shitty day, or tell them about the project I’m working on. I didn’t have any of that for the longest time.

Till you came into my life. You were there but we never really spoke or got to know each other like we do now. And let me tell ya’ll, its the people you least expect to be there for you. The people you least expect to completely understand you, the people you least expect to know and comprehend what your truly going thru. And then these magical human beings come into your life when you least expect it and make your whole life so much better then what it was. Your life was all black and grey till they walked into your life and made it all sunny and bright again. They gave you a whole new meaning on wanting to wake up in the mornings. They gave you a reason to live. They make your day better, they make your day do able, they make your day bearable. They make your world go round. Yes someone you love can do the same thing. But there isn’t anything like a best friend. I want to friend my best friend and then marry my best friend one day. WHY? Why TF not? Why on earth would you not want to marry your best friend. This person who completely understands you and all your needs. The person who can finish your sentences before you ever do. That person that knows you love ice cream and wine when your sad and just went thru that break up. Or that person who knows that when its raining your outside in it dancing and singing and laughing or crying as the sky cries. That person that knows when your depressed and need a smiling face. This folks is what we all want someone who completely understands us. And is okay with all of our flaws and still love us for them anyways. That person who can do all of this for you and still Fuck your brains out when your horny AF! This my friends Is all I ask for. That’s not to much to ask for is it? I don’t think so. But here I am 28 and still single AF because I’m to damn picky. And because I fall for the wrong people. I put all of my love into wasted time.

But Anyways…….

I can finally say that I have a person. I have someone I can call my person. That someone you run to, to help you hide that body. Or that person to run to, to cry on their shoulder and they never ask why they will just sit with you and cry with you. And then ask whose ass they need to beat later. And make you smile thru all the crying. Because if I was really hurting id let them beat someone’s ass and id watch! Your person who you can run to when you just finished watching a drama by your self and it hit all the right spots and now you need someone to talk about all the things wrong in your life. Someone to talk trash with. Someone to just be there for you no matter what! But most importantly someone who you trust with your life.

And I have to say that even if you don’t have someone like that yet….. Keep looking and keep searching because in the end its all worth it. To find that special someone who will do all those things with you and for you with our hesitation no questions asked. Those are my kinds of people. I just hope one day I can be someone’s person. I hope I can be that person for someone. Knowing that I can be all of that and then some for someone would make me feel like I am actually doing something right with my life.

Sincerely Yours ~Kendra~

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My Best Friend

I’m going to tell you a little story about someone very very close to me. This story might even hit really close to home. Or maybe it will be a story you could understand or connect with. So fasten your seat belt and get ready for this ride. Ready? Lets go!

This story is about a very very close and dear friend of mine someone I would like to call my best friend. He will go above and beyond for anyone he loves or cares for. Sound like someone you know? We all have people like this. People in our life’s or people we know that will go above and beyond for the people they love or care for. And then you have other people who just are angry at the world. They just do not care for anyone or anything. And so they make everything bitter around them. We love the people are always bright, happy, outgoing, and will do anything for you. At least I know I do. So he just recently ran into some trouble with a bill.. and so on.. and it made him negative in his bank account. Well let me tell you all did that stop him from still taking his other best friend out to eat for his birthday? No it sure TF did not. He still managed to celebrate his best friends birthday even tho he just had trouble with money. This ladies and gents is called selfless love. This is someone everyone wants in their life’s. This man right here could manage to turn your whole shitty day into a whole new bright and happy day with just his smile. His whole smile will light up a room.. NO scratch that… a whole damn stadium. All he has to do is smile and it brighten my whole damn day. Am I having one hell of a day.. and just wants to go back to sleep and never want to wake up? Sure who does, everyone has thought about it at least once in their life. But you know what I do? I talk to him, I tell him I’m having a shitty day and he always knows just what to say. Knows how to cheer me up, and put that smile back on my face. And he usually does it with just his smile, or kind words. Oh and don’t get me started on his laugh.. he doesn’t do it very often so when he laughs it always catches you off guard and u can’t help your self but to laugh right along with him. His laugh makes my heart sing and sore. He laugh is so fucking contagious I love it so much. When he laughs he smiles so big… and its probably why I love it so much, because I get a laugh and a smile all at the same time. What’s better then that? I tell you what….. Absolutely fucking nothing.

Yes yes its the little things in life that make me so happy… But I don’t think I really have to explain my self if you have someone like this in your life who does this to you. Who makes your heart so happy, who can make your day better with one word or just a smile. Someone whose always there for you. Maybe you have someone like this, and your not the greatest of friends/best friends. We all can change and be that for someone who might need it a little more then they let off. Ask them today, ask them if they need anything, ask them if they need a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Step outside of your box and your comfort zone and ask or do something different. Shock the hell out of someone today. Be that best friend for someone like he is for me. You absolutely will not regret it. But only do that and be that for someone who will do it for you.

This man right here has done so much for everyone in his life and he never ever ask for anything in return. He will keep to his self, he will just have a shitty day and never tell anyone. He will just deal with all his stress and worries his self because he doesn’t want to bother anyone else with them. He will continue doing these things for others even when they won’t do the same for him. They will run over him and over him and he will get right back up every time and still help them and be there for them. YES, I’ve tired telling him not to do that. To not let people run over him. If they aren’t going to do the same for you as u do for them leave their asses in the dust. I mean like for real tho.. just leave them in the dust and let them pick their selves up. Like good lord. Don’t let them keep running over your ass. But that’s just me and my mean ass. I’m really a sweet heart but I tell ya… I can’t stand fake ass people like that. Whose with me?? *** Raise your hands!!** ***Raises hand really really high! where is my hand emoji on here dude..**

Anyways…

And you know why he never ask for help when he needs it? Because when he does ask he never gets any help. He never gets those extra special words to help him out. Or that extra hand to help him. Maybe that hug he needs to raise his spirts. And you know what even tho he has been ran over so much in his life, and he never gets that help that he might need some days. Or he doesn’t have that extra support that we all need some days. He still manages to get thru his day. He still gets up every morning works out goes to work and goes home. And between all of that he helps people out who needs it or ask.

I want to praise this man, I want to put him on such a high high pedestal, but sadly all I ever feel like I have somedays are my words. Writing and texting is how I express my self. In person.. haha! oh I’m so fucking award its unreal.. I have all these great things I want to say and they never seem to want to come out right when I speak, so I just don’t half the time. But writing.. oh writing I can blow your mind off ya head. So here I am praising this man like he deserves. He deserves so much more then this little blog post that no one will probably see. But you know what? Its okay because he knows how fucking amazing he is. I tell him every day how much he means to me. And how amazing he is. God blessed me over and over again when he put this man in my life. And I thank him everyday for allowing him to stay in my life. I’m so fucking grateful. I absolutely wouldn’t know where I would be today without him. Without his beautiful smiles, without his words, without his love, and without his friendship. Words absolutely can’t express how much he means to me. And I have no idea what I would do or where I would be without him. So my friend I hope you stay here with me for a very very long time. Because even if sometimes you don’t want to be here, I need you. I hope you know that. And I hope you will always remember that. And what all you have done for me and my life.

Love your Best Friend……… Kendra <3

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Sometimes…

Sometimes I can’t even look at you because I know I would melt

Sometimes I don’t want you to look at me and see all my flaws

Sometimes I want you to look at me the way I look at you

Sometimes I want you to feel the way I feel.

Sometimes I can and do look at you as my sun, and I melt.

<3 – Kendra – <3

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What is True Love…

We all want to know what is true love? And there is a million and one opinions out there on what true love is. Where can I find it? What can I do to get it or keep it. When will I find it? Yeah me to.. I know I have asked all those questions and then some. And you know for the longest because I was in such a deep dark place I didn’t believe that there was a such thing as true love. Why? Because men (guys) are going to be guys.. I mean is there really that one perfect person out there who is everything you could ever want. Everything on that list we as ladies keep in our heads? And I had just come to conclusion that no there is no such thing as true love. There is no such thing as the perfect man out there. The perfect man who looks so F*ing amazing he makes you so wet by just looking at him, and has a voice of a god, and has a F*ing Brain on his perfect ass. We don’t want to much do we… lol! No not at all, well my ass isn’t going to lie. I wanted all of that and then some. And when I kept getting shut down over and over I gave up hope. As most of us probably have done once or twice in our lifetime, don’t lie its okay. We can be strong and stay strong in person. But at home and in our head we are F*ing allowed to be weak, cry, and breakdown. As long as we kick up the pieces and ourselves before going back out. I’m not going to lie, I do that! And it is totally okay to do that. But for me here are some things I have realized is true love, or forms of true love.

You know you love someone. When you will fight for them every single day of your life. No matter how many times they deny you. No matter how many times they never choose you. No matter how many times you tell them how much you love them and everything you would do for them. You still fight for them everyday hoping that one day they will finally realize. That is what you call true love! Giving your complete and total self over to that person they might not realize it yet but you have.

A lot might tell you not to allow anyone to keep denying you over and over. What good is that. Don’t ever be someone’s second choice. Your no ones second thought. You deserve all the respect and love, yes this is true but some people just don’t know what they truly want out of life. They don’t know how to step up and just take what they really truly want. And you could really have a true love story if you just wait. Be patient. And allow that person to figure their selves out.

Your every thought is about them. You look for their vehicle every time your in yours and driving and you spot a vehicle that looks like theirs. Every time you see something that y’all have talked about and it reminds you of them. When your just sitting around watching tv and you are thinking and remember something funny they said to you and you catch your self randomly smiling at the tv now. When you dream of them. When all you want to do is live and breathe them. All of this is signs your in love. How deep does the love run is all up to you, it will be in the things you do or say. All you have to do is pay attention or listen. Even when you think that person isn’t saying anything their actions speak volumes. And there words probably speak all kinds of actions. Ass backwards huh? Yeah I know, but that’s how life works most of the time. So before you think your significant loved one isn’t telling you they love you enough… watch and listen. Its always the little things that they say or do to show you they love you.

Sometimes you think those big gestures might only come out around birthdays, anniversaries, or random special occasions. When they have really been doing them all along. And it just takes a little extra effort for you to see or hear them. Sometimes a simple be careful, drive safe, come home to me, or please be safe is all signs they care so much for you and they are expressing it in those little comments. Because what they are really saying is be careful and drive safe so you make sure to come home to me every time your on the road. The roads aren’t always the safest place in the world to be. Things are going to happen and in a blink of a eye your loved one is gone. So instead of saying yeah okay, yes I will, okay, or sure…. How about next time you just simply say yes my love I will, I sure will love, okay dad I love you to, yes mom I love you to, I’ll be careful, I’ll see you later, I love you too. All the things that your loved one can’t say out loud. It’s okay for you to say it for them, and show them that you see them expressing there self’s in a way they only know how to.

Watching out for those who know how to play their cards just right is where we all need to be able to play our hand just as well. Don’t think you have fallen for someone or think its true love if they aren’t being genuine about it. You question their ass over and over. And if his answers seem to constantly be changing then you know its not real. A real genuine man whose in the relationship for love his answers will always remain the same.

As always guard your heats watch your backs and never let your walls down till your absolutely sure and ready. Because this game of true love and love is always a tricky one. Just make sure its all genuine.

As always just thoughts and opinions from your truly

<3 -Kendra- <3